A collection of letters and wisdom that I wish I could go back in time and give to myself.
About this project
March 14, 2006 (Age 15)
Im feeling so very restless lately and everything is another fake smile and another little laugh here and there. They’re all pretty fooled. Who knew I was such a manipulative bitch. The anxiety attacks have subsided or whatever the fuck they are. I had one a few days ago but it was so minor. All I did was hit myself a few times and cry hysterically.
I fear this change a lot, because I know that it isnt going to stay this way and if it does, I’ll simply die within myself. Im becoming more irrational and it is becoming common that I phase in and out of reality, but thank god Im not seeing shit or even hearing much anymore. Theres still some surrealism to all of this. I know everything is so fake. Through this mask everything inside is dying and it is so fucking hard to concentrate. Im fucking up in home school so much but I cant be transferred back into a school again, I just can’t. I swear to god I will run away.
It’s humiliating being in pain like this. Why the fuck did everyone make it such a trend? I don’t even know what parts of me are real anymore. It all feels like I was inspired by medial resources and stereotypical teen angst. It’s like everyone can see through the darkness, but I cant. I just hear the chatter and the noise and feel the chaos everywhere but I can’t cry or scream or anything. It hurts a lot. I want so much for someone to talk to and for someone to understand me, but Im beginning to feel that they’ll leave me in the end. I cant tell [my friends] anything. I [try to be a great friend], I really do and I like helping people because I know that if I was in their position I would want someone to talk to and someone to marvel at the things that no one else does. [My friends] use me so much- I feel like some kind of novelty item. No one listens to me, but why he fuck should they? I have nothing to fucking say. Ive accomplished nothing in my shitty existence. I cant even pass a fucking self test without cheating.
May 24, 2011 (Age 20)
What’s with all of these faces you put on? You’re always trying to make everyone think you’re happy or smart or independent or strong. You act as if the world will step on you if you don’t let it see you cry or, for once, say “no, I’m not okay”. You’re not okay.
All of the “I’m fine”s and “Don’t worry about me”s don’t go away; they build up. Eventually the pressure becomes so great that we can no longer hold it in and it gushes out in ugly, manic spurts. The person you try to hold on to when you were lying to everyone else becomes warped and unrecognizable.
Here lie the seeds of self-loathing. This is the beginning of a vicious cycle.
I believe there are circumstances in which a group of people may expect you to be the “strong one” or the “happy one” and it’s not because they want to control you, it’s because they need you to be that person in order for them to identify themselves in your life.
We expect each other to be like characters in a tv show, playing archetypal roles consistently from week to week. Predictable. Safe. Comforting. It’s all a little too confronting when people change. It means that they might have to change, too.
That doesn’t justify their actions and it doesn’t mean that it’s not okay to change. It only explains why people react the way that they do- they’re just afraid. But its not your job to keep people unafraid, only they can do that for themselves.
It’s okay to not be okay - just be sure to reinvent yourself in the process. Re-write your character. Re-adjust the circumstances and set new rules. People will eventually accept it and move on so let go of their expectations and just… be.
When it comes to sadness, separate it from your identity and treat it as a visitor. Get to know him well, but get to know yourself better. Be more clever than your guest and memorize his routines so you can find balance. Make time for him and respect him- listen to what he has to say but keep your objectivity. Exercise, meditate, and, most importantly, let go of the idea that it’s stupid to be depressed.
You’re never going to be the person you pretend to be for anyone else. Stop hating yourself, already.
February 18, 2006 (Age 15)
I feel like the world is slowly collapsing around me.
I want so badly to embrace death without fearing it. I am so afraid because i feel it is not my time to go. But I want to badly to leave this place.
I am told every day that everything is all chemical and there is nothing real about all of this…it hurts when they say that. I know it is the truth deep inside. Vanity is the only thing I feel now. Vanity and hatred. The void grows. It hurts more everyday. Looking back, I abandoned any form of happiness and every outlet I have used no longer means anything anymore. I wish to cry but I’m afraid that tears will turn into questions.
I don’t need anymore of those.
Sometimes being alone hurts so much that reaching out seems like the only option. It’s funny how no one ever cares. I don’t want them to. Why do I love pain and hate it all at the same time?
Its so confusing. Growing. Changing. My body changes, but never who I am on the inside. I am always the same no body.
Words are worthless. I can’t use them like I used to. I wish I could help…but I can’t even help myself.
Why the fuck even try?
April 25, 2011 (Age 20)
“What do you do with pain so bad it has no redeeming value? It cannot even be alchemized into art, into words, into something you can chalk up to an interesting experience because the pain itself, its intensity, is so great that there is no way to objectify it or push it outside or find its beauty within. That is the pain I’m feeling now. It’s so bad, it’s useless. The only lesson I will ever derive from this pain is how bad pain can be.” -Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation
The incredible and terrifying thing about sadness is that it gives itself meaning so that it doesn’t seem agonizing to imagine that it is just a chemical imbalance in your brain. The idea that intolerable sadness is meaningless can be insulting and in frustration, you may begin to defend it like an abusive lover- always coming back for more because even though it hurts, it’s always there.
It’s so easy to make decisions out of fear because it’s easier to justify them; they’re more actionable. “You HAD to do it or else _______”. Sometimes suicide seems like a viable option because it’s an easy, permanent solution, but it’s a solution to a transient problem that you’re too afraid to solve on your own. Suicide is like deciding to amputate your arm after you get a few scratches- it doesn’t consider any alternative options or logical solutions. The problem is that making decisions out of fear or apathy isn’t really a decision- it’s a reaction.
Like a bad lover, takes a lot of courage to walk away from depression because it’s like leaving a safety net. You convince yourself that being grounded in sadness is the best way to combat the feeling of failure and heart break and it’s better to not try and embarrass yourself. When someone says they can’t be happy, they’re making excuses to not try.
Being happy/stable isn’t an effortless state reserved for privileged people. It takes constant work to stay happy- you have to think of as many attributes as flaws— and sometimes it’s hard. You have to exercise. You have to be honest with yourself. You have to try every day because despite popular belief, it’s hard work to maintain happiness or feelings of accomplishment.
One common misconception about happiness is that some feel that they don’t deserve to be happy. If there is one thing I don’t understand about our society, it’s the philosophy that being selfish is condemnable. If you put your priorities and beliefs below someone elses, you’re just distracting yourself by buying time so you don’t have to deal with them. The problem with being “selfless” is just that- removing your SELF from the situation. It’s a reaction out of fear- fear of dealing with your problems, fear of appearing selfish, fear of not appearing as “perfect” or “happy” as everyone expects you to be, fear of not always being there for everyone else. When you rely on helping others before helping yourself, you’ll never be happy because even though it seems like you’re changing the circumstances for others- you’re not really changing yourself. If you want to be there to help your friends, fix yourself first so you’re not lying to both yourself and them. Make sure that you’re not helping other people for the wrong reasons.
Another misconception is that you’ll be happy when you’re thinner, you’re richer, you move away, you fall in love, etc. When you’re waiting on something to change or to magically attain a material goal, you’ll never get there. You’re not going to be happy when you “get thinner” or “make more money” or “find someone to love you” because the problem has nothing to do with those things. Even if you lose 10, 20, 50 pounds, you’re not going to be happy because you’re not happy with who you are. You won’t be happy once you get into a relationship because you’ll be so insecure with yourself, you’ll be too afraid to lose the other person. The way to reach goals like that is to ask yourself WHY you need those things to be happy and imagine yourself with them. Stop idealizing those situations because nothing will ever be as magical as you will envision it to be. Again, happiness is hard work and those goals take just as much work.
It’s a hard idea to swallow, but being self-involved (or at least introspective) leads to self-security which leads to a happier state which motivates one to be honest in their generosity. Improving the relationship with yourself is the most important thing you can do in life, because it clears away all of the baggage and self-inflicted pain to make way for things that matter like creating, producing, brushing off jerks, and solving problems.
You will always hear that life is a perpetual rollercoaster of emotions— and it’s true. The only way to appreciate happiness, stability, and love, is to be profoundly grateful for every minor miracle that comes along: things that aren’t so obvious like shelter, food, a smile in passing, rain that breaks up the heat of summer. Happiness isn’t a mythological place and there is no standard it adheres to. Everything changes including how you feel about yourself. Just focus on the things you want to accomplish and remember that this, too, shall pass.
December 30, 2005 (Age 15)
I am all alone here. By myself. I cant stop it and I cant reverse what I have done. Things will never be the same, ever again. I dont want them to be. Its sick. Its all so fucking sick. Im tired of pretending to be someone else just to avoid who I really am. Theres no escaping my identity. Theres no escaping this…fucking world. I hate it.
I hate being the same. I hate seeing it and Im so fucking sick of feeling like everything is being replayed to me already. I see the same patterns in everything. Colors are all the same. Everything is so dull and lifeless.
I want to leave. I want to become someone else.
Someone beautiful. Smart. Strong. Independant. Unhuman. Brutal. Cold. Unwilling. Powerful.
I dont want to be me anymore. Its so hard. So hard to be weak and alone.
Im weak and vulnerable and its not going to change because Im so selfish I dont want to. Now Im all alone. Im trapped here.
Alone. I cant get away. I cant rationalize thoughts because… there are none. There is no feeling, and there are no memories. I was created to become another Faceless person in the crowd. Nothing more. Now I cant face living with myself for being one. Should I just throw it all away? Just for the sake of clarity?
Its so scary, Butterfly. I dont know what to do.
I have no one to confide in. Theyre all gone. Even God dosent want to listen anymore. I dont want to hear the truth. I am nothing and no one. I wish I wasnt, but I am.
What now? Do I run away from it? Do I face it and break myself from within? Can I fix it?
Is there a real form to my identity or is it all just bits and pieces constructed together by everyone else?
That’s it…Im deleting myself and making someone new. Someone strong and thin and brave and needless.
April 20, 2011 (Age 20)
If there was ever a feeling that united humanity on a common thread, it is the feeling of loneliness and/or fear of being lonely. Think of religion, the internet, social technology, and the space program; the unifying motivation is to feel not-so-alone or to prove that we are not really alone/ that there is something out there to justify our existence.
So why does that matter? Because you will never escape loneliness- it is a part of our human make-up. Loneliness inspires the pursuit of love, happiness, and creation to bridge the gap between your isolated thoughts and what exists outside of them. It is an important component in our emotional make-up. On a more philosophical level, loneliness breeds creation. Pause and let that sink in a little bit.
If you feel you need someone or something to make you feel less alone, you make yourself dependent on that person/thing. Since most situations in life are not static, you put yourself in a position to be hurt by pursuing happiness or completion from an external source.
No one will ever complete you. It can feel that way, sure, but if/when they leave your life, who will you be then?
On another note, you’re afraid of being the same. Being ordinary is being part of a group of people alike in mentality and action; being extraordinary is putting yourself in a position to pursue something no one has before by yourself. Subsequently speaking, if you want to stand out and be unique and grow vibrantly, get comfortable with being alone. You’ll get criticized a lot before you ever get praised, so the only person you have to believe in is you.
If you can’t believe in yourself, who else can you believe in?
As for confiding in others, you don’t need anything but a journal. So thanks, self, for being smart and honest with yourself in this diary. Get your feelings and thoughts out of your head and into the air or onto the paper or into a song. Get them out of you because holding them in just makes you feel even lonelier. Face it, some people won’t care about you, so don’t rely on others to tell you if you’re beautiful/thin/smart/awesome. Evaluate that for yourself and know that you won’t ever be perfect. Ever.
You are someone. I am someone. You are an artist, a writer, a singer, a daughter, a friend, a prolific sarcastic bitch to your friends, a lover of morbid yet cute things, and, most importantly, you ARE. You exist and you are unique. No one can ever or will ever be you. They can share your thoughts, your actions, your similar experience, your interests, but they will never see life through your eyes or your fingers or your words. You are your own person.
What now? Embrace it.
Do you run away from your identity? No…mostly because you can’t. You can’t change the things you’ve done, only the things you do or will do. Focus on those instead.
Do you face it and try to battle it? Yes and no. Face your problems but don’t try to break yourself down and dissolve your feelings/who you are. It won’t work and your feelings will find a way to bubble to the surface. Can you fix it? You can fix the way you feel about yourself, yes. It takes a lot of honesty and identifying as many attributes as flaws that you have.
As far as personal identity goes, there are so many philosophies trying to define and redefine what constitutes “self” and “identity”. As a philosophical problem, there isn’t any clear definition of who you are or who you can be which means the possibilities are endless. You can be anything you want. Conceptually, you are a sum of your experiences and the interests and meaning you have assigned to various aspects of your life. You pick up pieces along the way, but your identity is like a quilt.
Pick the scraps up that interest you or make you think or that talk to you. Leave the expectations aside, there is no “true identity”, there is only change and adaptation. Love it.
Love your aloneness— you’re living on a planet with 6 billion people all around you feeling the same thing.
You + 6 years
Note to reader: Around this time I was diagnosed with Grave’s disease which is an auto immune disorder primarily affecting the thyroid. My mood swings, psychotic breaks, and low self-esteem were blamed on my condition, but I continued to have manic episodes even after treatment.
November 15, 2005 (Age 14)
I dont know I guess I keep getting this sinking feeling a lot. I’m getting really restless and it’s driving me mad. My stomach is a mess. I can’t stop eating and then some days I can’t eat at all. My mind is constantly shutting off. I’m forgetting a lot of stuff. I have noticed that some days I can’t talk or I just can’t bring myself to say anything at all. It’s so intimidating, everything. I just kind of walk through life doing nothing all day. Being nothing. Every one thinks I’m stupid and silly, but I don’t think they realize how hollow my laughs are or how every dull joke comes from being so desperate to find some sort of sanity or normalcy. Yeah, I’m pretty normal but sometimes these feelings aren’t. I just hate being so..empty every time I start to feel happy, it’s like I am ashamed of letting my guard down and become so..isolated.
I can’t talk to my friends anymore. I’ve just come to the conclusion that we shouldn’t see each other anymore. They’re all a bit too naive for my taste nowadays and having any kind of friend makes me sad in some way. It doesn’t fucking help that mother is always telling me that if I am hearing things or having odd “moments” that it’s all because of my thyroid problem. Yeah it probably is but thinking about it, makes me angry. Everything I’ve ever felt was fake and was all just because of a fucking defect in my thyroid gland? What a bunch of bullshit.
Ugh. Anyway. I’ve wasted about a month looming around. I can’t be bothered to pay attention to hygiene or friends’ affairs. The internet is even dull to me, now. I can’t sit down and do my work without feeling tired or antsy or anxious. Fuck. I need to get out of here. Now.
Fuck that. I might as well just run away for a few weeks. Might ruin my mother’s trust in me or respect, but I’m on the verge of insanity. Or maybe I’m already there I don’t know. Don’t give a shit.
Maybe I’m just making shit up and do all this to feel better because maybe being dramatic is appealing. I don’t know what insanity is or normality for that matter. I know that maybe I make stuff up in my head to compensate for not being different or. Something. Shit.
Holidays soon. Im expecting a let-down. Usually there is always a catch to most family plans. Joy.
A 2 week break with the people I loathe most. Im excited already.
April 13, 2011 (Age 20)
It’s always hard when you start growing up and realizing that your family isn’t as perfect or as functional as you thought. They don’t always have the right answers and they can’t hold your hand forever. It is especially hard when you are struggling with a sickness (and in my case, several sicknesses) because there is a separation between what they see on the outside and how it feels on the inside. I didn’t communicate the full extent of my pain because I wore it like a badge of honor. I felt that pain justified my existence and made up for all of the things I couldn’t be.
Sadness is powerful and contagious, and if left to fester, consuming.
Don’t wait for it to wrap it’s cold fingers around your neck. Don’t sit still. It only gets sharper.
Moving on to family, I know they may not understand what you’re going through (or maybe it feels that way), but it does not mean they don’t notice/don’t care. If they ignore you, joke about you, or confront you, it just means that they’re trying to cope because they don’t know how to help you (or they’re assholes). They’re just as confused as you are. And don’t be fooled- they’re hurting, too. You may not understand this because you’re young, but people care about you more than you will ever know and by hurting yourself, you’re hurting them.
Second of all, don’t diss your friends. They are the foundation of everyone’s self-identity. Friends help you piece together the things you like, teach you new things, and test you to your limits. Even the crappy friends teach you lessons. When I think about some of the most exciting moments of my life, they were with a strong group of friends doing profoundly stupid yet epic things.
If you’re struggling with making friends, then the likely problems are:
a.) You’re not reaching out or opening up enough
b.) You’re clinging too tightly to everyone that enters your life and creeping them out by being TOO open
c.) Your expectations are either too high or too low
Just breathe. You’re worth talking to, you just need to stop running around in circles worrying about how much of a jackass you look like when you run around in circles.
I think a lot of people (including myself) make the mistake of pretending to be happy so that others don’t worry about them. When you do that, you put others in control of how you express yourself and make yourself even more miserable by making those feelings secondary. “Normal” is in the same category of “perfect”- it’s a socially constructed illusion. Nothing and no one is more important than figuring out how to cope with your feelings in a positive way. Nothing. No one.
The more you push aside your feelings underneath your fake smile, the more the pressure builds, and the closer and closer you get to unhappiness. The closer you get to unhappiness, the easier it is to grow apathetic or manic or anxious or defensive or empty or lonely or fat or unwanted or etc.
Open up and spill your heart out.
Then sort through the mess. You’ll learn a lot. I promise.
Your future self
October 29, 2005 (Age 14)
I hate disappointing people more than I hate disappointing myself.
And I really hate disappointing myself.
But fuck. Why can’t I be great or good in anyone’s eyes? It sounds conceited and stupid. And it is, but seriously. I’m always the one person everyone turns to when they feel like they need to crush someone or when no one else is around and they are desperate. I’m always the weak one. I’m always the stupid one. The foolish joker.
It’s my fault, I know. Why can’t I be myself? If there exists such a thing. Just sometimes it gets me…really bad. People always lie to me. I can feel it deep down. I can feel their sarcasm.
“Yeah, Nichole. Nooo one can stay mad at you.”
Yes…they can. And some people still do. Because I am bratty narcassistic and irritating. Well you know what world? Fuck you. This is my fucking journal. Fuck you God. This is my journal. Fuck you, “Nichole” this is OUR FUCKING JOURNAL. And yes, I hate myself enough to slander my pathetic narcissistic silly cliché thoughts onto this pathetic web page lost in cyberspace.
I have to before these thoughts eat me alive.
Because I beat them in so much…so fucking much. No one can know..
This is difficult. So..fucking. Difficult.
I want to cry right now.
But I wont…not this time.
I am strong.
I am strong.
March 23, 2011 (Age 20)
Dear former self,
I know you hate disappointing yourself. You’ll end up letting yourself down approximately 832 times between where you are now and where I am now. Still counting. Still stumbling over my feet. Still trying.
If there is one thing I have learned about the nature of people, it is that they will take advantage of your need to please them. Being a perfectionist to prove your self worth to someone else puts that person in a position of power and makes you vulnerable. Trying to prove yourself worth will make you vulnerable, period.
There will always be someone who thinks you’re a moron. There will always be someone who thinks you’re ugly. There will always be someone there to criticize you. The trick is to believe so much in what you do and who you are that it doesn’t matter. Take the criticism as either something to learn from or something to forget.
Insecurity is a choice.
It may not feel that way, but that’s because you’ve so tightly entangled your self identity and what other people think. Even now, I am trying to untangle the mess. This struggle is important though, and I believe, with all of me, that we will emerge on the other side of this struggle as a stronger person with something to offer others.
Expression is one of the most important things in growing and to try to suppress it is like trying to hold your breath. I think we both know from experience that it’s hard to do that for long.
Your future self
October 27, 2005 (Age 14)
Sometimes..I visit this place in my head. Its like I have the ability to see people inside of themselves. Some people are broken…and I can see it sometimes… Even if they pretend to be happy. Deep inside I can see them decaying inside of their flesh.
It makes me sad because I wonder if I am like that, too. Perhaps I am just normal and it is okay and they are not broken people, I am seeing things. I always see things because I am too scared of being plain that I make up things.
Just like these emotions.
Just like I am writing fiction.
Because the truth is:
I am plain and stupid and normal and ugly and I am always wrong and people know it. I suppose the idea of being different intrigues me.
But I will never be special or different.
We must except our fate and our positions in the world. I simply pollute the earth along with the billions of people just as normal. Just as plain..
Looking back I will laugh.
Laugh at the cliche lines “I hate myself” because I’m sure by the time I realize how stupid and pathetic I REALLY am I will already be polluted by a false sense of self-security.
Or maybe I will be happy.
Perhaps…next time. If there is a next time.
I hope I find myself.
March 18, 2011 (Age 20)
Dear former self,
You aren’t seeing things. There are more people than you can possibly know that are sad on the inside. There are more people than you can possibly help. The older we get, the more we realize this, and depending on our inner strength, we ask ourselves why. Why are they sad? Why am I sad? Why do I equate my self-worth with _______? Why am I so ________? Why do they ________?
Strength comes with how we handle the answers to these questions.What can you do to make yourself better? What can you learn from their situation? You will always be learning from your mistakes and others’ mistakes. The best way to come to terms with this is to keep asking questions, keep answering them, and keep putting them into perspective of who you WANT to be and who you DON’T want to be.
The more you can objectively assess your reactions and feelings to certain things, the more you can learn about how to change them or understand them. The more you understand yourself, the more you can help others by guiding them through this process.
If there is one thing I wish I would have known sooner, it’s to listen to your intuition. You know what is going to happen on a sub conscious level; it’s part of the large percentage of the brain you don’t use. You will always be sensitive to vibes, but your logic will try to tell you that it could be wrong. There are some things we can’t rationalize and as much as we hate that, sometimes you have to just accept it and embrace it.
You love uncertainty after all. You just won’t admit it.
I remember writing that letter to myself 6 years ago and I still recall how dishonest it felt to say that I am ugly and ordinary. There has always been that little spark in you/me. You felt it then, I feel it now. There is no certainty in life, but there is a hunch and my hunch is that good things are going to happen. That we are special. We are here to accomplish something and even if it isn’t huge or extraordinary.
Moving on, I want to finally add that I am happy. I have everything I need and as many opportunities as I imagined when I was young. I live in a fantastic place with an even more fantastic lover. I am loved. You are loved.
Close your eyes and feel it.
Your future self
October 23, 2005 (Age 14)
Everything is so fucking dark. Its almost like the cold weather brings out the worst in people.
I love the cold weather. It brings me to life and the serenity and the odd lonely silence of the winter seansons keep me sane. For the past 5 years its brought me no joy and no hope…certainly no sanity because Im seriously considering taking rash actions and forming old habbits again. But it dosent matter now. Nothing matters because…
I dont matter.
Everyone is so fucking down lately. Its like watching every one’s life fall apart and mine stays the same. I process no thoughts or feelings. I just exist and eat and get fat and sleep. I do nothing but sit around all day wasting time. Wasting time that I need to spend building my future because right now im so fucked. This homeschooling program is equivalent to dropping out which is basically what I did. It was too much and Im too much of a lazy fucking twat to do anything about it. The school curiculum is so incrediously inaccurate that Im scared that the college I want to go to wont except my applications. I need to learn how to design interfaces and work on websites more…
I need to get a grip or get the hell out of here.
Were broke. I had to sneak 30 bucks into my moms purse so she didnt feel bad about my donation and I bought some groceries with my babysitting money. I want a new hoodie because its starting to get cold and I hate my mother’s hoodies. I have about 45 bucks..Im going to spend it on a faggoty zip up band hoodie from Hot Topic. Its scene, but its warm and it has pretty disembered limbs on the front. Thats all I need.
All my friends are dropping like flies. Except for C who considers himself more than a friend. Im fucking sick of this why are people all of the sudden thinking that they can reach inside me and poke around in my head? I let them, too. Ive always been really wiggy about that but I suppose Ive hated myself so much this past year that Ive let my self respect fall a little, too. People pick up on that so they take advantage of it. Even my BEST FRIEND is using me. Fuck. I want to die so hardcore.
Now that Ive got this gay journal set up, maybe I’ll make a community. A community for the people who dont like writing their feelings down to themselves, but to imaginary people. Sort of like letter form. Shall I demonstrate?:
Youre such a conceited brat. How could you do something like this to US? To YOURSELF? Yes, you have a self, by the way. You always act like everything is hopeless and that youre mentally insane. Well youre fucking fine. You always complain about cliche bitches and the same old things and youre so much of a fucking hypocrite, YOU DO THE SAME DAMN THING YOURSELF. Im ashamed to even be you. Im ashamed that you can do nothing but write silly little notes to yourself because youre untalented, moronic, egotistical, inadequate, stupid, and lazy. Stop wasting time because your time is almost up.
What time you say? The time flying past your fucking window as you sit there and type this pointless letter to yourself, taking up space on this page and wasting time that could be spent working on school or doing something productive. Just go choke and die so that we can finally rest at peace. Thanks for nothing you fucking whore.
March 11, 2011 (Age 20)
Dear Former Self,
Funny how some things change and some things do not. I have been writing notes to myself for years. So much for holding onto the idea of sanity, hah.
You matter. You have always mattered because you are, quite painfully, conscious of your existence. It has taken many years to come to discover the value of being conscious and it will take many more years for me to grow from it. Embrace the multiple voices in your head and your heart but listen closely to the only one that matters. The tiny, muted voice that says “I love you” and “you are worth something. you are loved. you matter.” I know you hear it. I remember it, too.
You’ll never stop feeling like you’re in some dramatic rush to get to some undefined goal; in fact, you will never stop feeling pushed to be someone or do something. Its who we are and it is programmed into our heart that beats wildly to the rhythm of passion. Uncertainty is a risk I’m willing to take now in the vain hope of justifying the time spent thinking so much about my identity and the meaning of life.
The time you spend on home school will count for nothing and it is one of the many set backs in life that will cripple you and then make you stronger. We have a propensity for investing too much energy into things that do not work and accidently stumbling upon things that do. Don’t take these “wastes of time” as pointless. Each mistake is a gift, and packed into the hideous wrapping paper of failure is a lesson.
Don’t let the lacerations of disappointment and other peoples’ criticism cause your heart to callous. I wish I opened up a lot sooner. I would have had so much more time to get to know myself and understand how other people work. Your suspicion of everyone’s intentions will be your downfall. A necessary downfall, but still…you’re going to get hurt. Brace for impact.
In response to your letter:
Dear 14-year old self,
Calm down. Its okay to feel sad sometimes and I know you do and will for as long as you are feeling anything. It doesn’t make me/you a hypocrite, it makes me/you a human being and it also makes me/you an effective artist.
The insults aren’t really doing anything for me and I’m sure they’re not helping you out either. Time IS “flying by” in its own relative way and I actually have an important thing to do for the company I am working for right now, but I don’t think it should be a reason to discount what I am doing in the time spent procrastinating.
Its rude to tell someone to choke and die, you know. Especially if it is yourself.
I’m still working towards accomplishing my goal of telling our story and creating beautiful and compelling art to share with the world across multiple mediums. Its good to have a goal…a PRODUCTIVE goal. You’ll learn this the hard way.
You will learn this the hardest way a person can learn how to set positive goals.
Take note, you are worth something. Stop whining about not being worth something.
Your Future Self
October 23, 2005 (Age 14)
So this is it. This is what it feels like to start something from the beginning without help or pre meditation or friends or worries.
This is what it feels like to be obscure in this world of communication and the internet.
This is the mark of something so insignificant but it feels like a bit of an accomplishment; Me..without the ego tripps and the innocent by-standers who whine about their life but dont care about anything else but to feel pain. This is what it feels like…
To be alone.
I declare this day
March 5, 2011 (Age 20)
You’re 14 and your vocabulary is terrible, but it will get better…I think. People will always use their pain as a testament of their existence and significance— learn to embrace those people and encourage them to grow by expressing their pain to you. The best way to learn is to teach.
You’ll grow out of loneliness by accepting that it is not a punishment. Loneliness is just the result of fear and fear is fighting for its life in your little brain. Tell it to shut the fuck up and start being productive.
PS- Don’t throw away your journals :(