May 2011
1 post
12 tags
Note to self: Don't Pretend to be Happy. Ever.
March 14, 2006 (Age 15)
Im feeling so very restless lately and everything is another fake smile and another little laugh here and there. They’re all pretty fooled. Who knew I was such a manipulative bitch. The anxiety attacks have subsided or whatever the fuck they are. I had one a few days ago but it was so minor. All I did was hit myself a few times and cry hysterically.
I fear this...
April 2011
3 posts
11 tags
Note to Self: This, too, Shall Pass
February 18, 2006 (Age 15)
I feel like the world is slowly collapsing around me.
I want so badly to embrace death without fearing it. I am so afraid because i feel it is not my time to go. But I want to badly to leave this place.
I am told every day that everything is all chemical and there is nothing real about all of this…it hurts when they say that. I know it is the truth deep inside....
10 tags
Note to Self: Loneliness is Actually a Good Thing
December 30, 2005 (Age 15)
I am all alone here. By myself. I cant stop it and I cant reverse what I have done. Things will never be the same, ever again. I dont want them to be. Its sick. Its all so fucking sick. Im tired of pretending to be someone else just to avoid who I really am. Theres no escaping my identity. Theres no escaping this…fucking world. I hate it.
I hate being the same. I...
5 tags
Note to Self: Stop Hiding Who You Are
Note to reader: Around this time I was diagnosed with Grave’s disease which is an auto immune disorder primarily affecting the thyroid. My mood swings, psychotic breaks, and low self-esteem were blamed on my condition, but I continued to have manic episodes even after treatment.
November 15, 2005 (Age 14)
I dont know I guess I keep getting this sinking feeling a lot. I’m getting really restless...
March 2011
4 posts
4 tags
Note to Self: Don't Hold it In
October 29, 2005 (Age 14)
I hate disappointing people more than I hate disappointing myself.
And I really hate disappointing myself. But fuck. Why can’t I be great or good in anyone’s eyes? It sounds conceited and stupid. And it is, but seriously. I’m always the one person everyone turns to when they feel like they need to crush someone or when no one else is around and they are...
4 tags
Note to self: Explore Sadness More
October 27, 2005 (Age 14)
Sometimes..I visit this place in my head. Its like I have the ability to see people inside of themselves. Some people are broken…and I can see it sometimes… Even if they pretend to be happy. Deep inside I can see them decaying inside of their flesh.
It makes me sad because I wonder if I am like that, too. Perhaps I am just normal and it is okay and they are not...
4 tags
Note to self: Mistakes are inevitable
October 23, 2005 (Age 14)
Everything is so fucking dark. Its almost like the cold weather brings out the worst in people. I love the cold weather. It brings me to life and the serenity and the odd lonely silence of the winter seansons keep me sane. For the past 5 years its brought me no joy and no hope…certainly no sanity because Im seriously considering taking rash actions and forming...
4 tags
Note to self: Everyone Cries
October 23, 2005 (Age 14)
So this is it. This is what it feels like to start something from the beginning without help or pre meditation or friends or worries.
This is what it feels like to be obscure in this world of communication and the internet.
This is the mark of something so insignificant but it feels like a bit of an accomplishment; Me..without the ego tripps and the innocent...