Note to self: Mistakes are inevitable

October 23, 2005 (Age 14)

Everything is so fucking dark. Its almost like the cold weather brings out the worst in people.

I love the cold weather. It brings me to life and the serenity and the odd lonely silence of the winter seansons keep me sane. For the past 5 years its brought me no joy and no hope…certainly no sanity because Im seriously considering taking rash actions and forming old habbits again. But it dosent matter now. Nothing matters because…

I dont matter.

Everyone is so fucking down lately. Its like watching every one’s life fall apart and mine stays the same. I process no thoughts or feelings. I just exist and eat and get fat and sleep. I do nothing but sit around all day wasting time. Wasting time that I need to spend building my future because right now im so fucked. This homeschooling program is equivalent to dropping out which is basically what I did. It was too much and Im too much of a lazy fucking twat to do anything about it. The school curiculum is so incrediously inaccurate that Im scared that the college I want to go to wont except my applications. I need to learn how to design interfaces and work on websites more…

I need to get a grip or get the hell out of here.

Were broke. I had to sneak 30 bucks into my moms purse so she didnt feel bad about my donation and I bought some groceries with my babysitting money. I want a new hoodie because its starting to get cold and I hate my mother’s hoodies. I have about 45 bucks..Im going to spend it on a faggoty zip up band hoodie from Hot Topic. Its scene, but its warm and it has pretty disembered limbs on the front. Thats all I need.

All my friends are dropping like flies. Except for C who considers himself more than a friend.  Im fucking sick of this why are people all of the sudden thinking that they can reach inside me and poke around in my head? I let them, too. Ive always been really wiggy about that but I suppose Ive hated myself so much this past year that Ive let my self respect fall a little, too. People pick up on that so they take advantage of it. Even my BEST FRIEND is using me. Fuck. I want to die so hardcore. 

Now that Ive got this gay journal set up, maybe I’ll make a community. A community for the people who dont like writing their feelings down to themselves, but to imaginary people. Sort of like letter form. Shall I demonstrate?:

Dear You,

Youre such a conceited brat. How could you do something like this to US? To YOURSELF? Yes, you have a self, by the way. You always act like everything is hopeless and that youre mentally insane. Well youre fucking fine. You always complain about cliche bitches and the same old things and youre so much of a fucking hypocrite, YOU DO THE SAME DAMN THING YOURSELF. Im ashamed to even be you. Im ashamed that you can do nothing but write silly little notes to yourself because youre untalented, moronic, egotistical, inadequate, stupid, and lazy. Stop wasting time because your time is almost up.

What time you say? The time flying past your fucking window as you sit there and type this pointless letter to yourself, taking up space on this page and wasting time that could be spent working on school or doing something productive. Just go choke and die so that we can finally rest at peace. Thanks for nothing you fucking whore.

Love,
Me. 

March 11, 2011 (Age 20)

Dear Former Self,

Funny how some things change and some things do not. I have been writing notes to myself for years. So much for holding onto the idea of sanity, hah.

You matter. You have always mattered because you are, quite painfully, conscious of your existence. It has taken many years to come to discover the value of being conscious and it will take many more years for me to grow from it. Embrace the multiple voices in your head and your heart but listen closely to the only one that matters. The tiny, muted voice that says “I love you” and “you are worth something. you are loved. you matter.” I know you hear it. I remember it, too.

You’ll never stop feeling like you’re in some dramatic rush to get to some undefined goal; in fact, you will never stop feeling pushed to be someone or do something. Its who we are and it is programmed into our heart that beats wildly to the rhythm of passion.  Uncertainty is a risk I’m willing to take now in the vain hope of justifying the time spent thinking so much about my identity and the meaning of life.

The time you spend on home school will count for nothing and it is one of the many set backs in life that will cripple you and then make you stronger. We have a propensity for investing too much energy into things that do not work and accidently stumbling upon things that do. Don’t take these “wastes of time” as pointless. Each mistake is a gift, and packed into the hideous wrapping paper of failure is a lesson.

Don’t let the lacerations of disappointment and other peoples’ criticism cause your heart to callous.  I wish I opened up a lot sooner. I would have had so much more time to get to know myself and understand how other people work. Your suspicion of everyone’s intentions will be your downfall. A necessary downfall, but still…you’re going to get hurt. Brace for impact.

In response to your letter:

Dear 14-year old self,

Calm down. Its okay to feel sad sometimes and I know you do and will for as long as you are feeling anything. It doesn’t make me/you a hypocrite, it makes me/you a human being and it also makes me/you an effective artist.

The insults aren’t really doing anything for me and I’m sure they’re not helping you out either. Time IS “flying by” in its own relative way and I actually have an important thing to do for the company I am working for right now, but I don’t think it should be a reason to discount what I am doing in the time spent procrastinating.

Its rude to tell someone to choke and die, you know. Especially if it is yourself.

I’m still working towards accomplishing my goal of telling our story and creating beautiful and compelling art to share with the world across multiple mediums. Its good to have a goal…a PRODUCTIVE goal. You’ll learn this the hard way. 

You will learn this the hardest way a person can learn how to set positive goals.

Take note, you are worth something. Stop whining about not being worth something.

Sincerely,

Your Future Self

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NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY