Note to self: Explore Sadness More

October 27, 2005 (Age 14) 

Sometimes..I visit this place in my head. Its like I have the ability to see people inside of themselves. Some people are broken…and I can see it sometimes… Even if they pretend to be happy. Deep inside I can see them decaying inside of their flesh. 

It makes me sad because I wonder if I am like that, too. Perhaps I am just normal and it is okay and they are not broken people, I am seeing things. I always see things because I am too scared of being plain that I make up things.

Just like these emotions. 

Just like I am writing fiction.

Because the truth is:

I am plain and stupid and normal and ugly and I am always wrong and people know it. I suppose the idea of being different intrigues me.

But I will never be special or different.

We must except our fate and our positions in the world. I simply pollute the earth along with the billions of people just as normal. Just as plain..

Looking back I will laugh.

Laugh at the cliche lines “I hate myself” because I’m sure by the time I realize how stupid and pathetic I REALLY am I will already be polluted by a false sense of self-security.

Or maybe I will be happy.

Perhaps…next time. If there is a next time.

I hope I find myself.

 March 18, 2011 (Age 20)

Dear former self,

You aren’t seeing things. There are more people than you can possibly know that are sad on the inside. There are more people than you can possibly help. The older we get, the more we realize this, and depending on our inner strength, we ask ourselves why. Why are they sad? Why am I sad? Why do I equate my self-worth with _______? Why am I so ________? Why do they ________?

Strength comes with how we handle the answers to these questions.What can you do to make yourself better? What can you learn from their situation? You will always be learning from your mistakes and others’ mistakes. The best way to come to terms with this is to keep asking questions, keep answering them, and keep putting them into perspective of who you WANT to be and who you DON’T want to be.

The more you can objectively assess your reactions and feelings to certain things, the more you can learn about how to change them or understand them. The more you understand yourself, the more you can help others by guiding them through this process.

If there is one thing I wish I would have known sooner, it’s to listen to your intuition. You know what is going to happen on a sub conscious level; it’s part of the large percentage of the brain you don’t use. You will always be sensitive to vibes, but your logic will try to tell you that it could be wrong. There are some things we can’t rationalize and as much as we hate that, sometimes you have to just accept it and embrace it.

You love uncertainty after all. You just won’t admit it.

I remember writing that letter to myself 6 years ago and I still recall how dishonest it felt to say that I am ugly and ordinary. There has always been that little spark in you/me. You felt it then, I feel it now. There is no certainty in life, but there is a hunch and my hunch is that good things are going to happen. That we are special. We are here to accomplish something and even if it isn’t huge or extraordinary.

Moving on, I want to finally add that I am happy. I have everything I need and as many opportunities as I imagined when I was young. I live in a fantastic place with an even more fantastic lover. I am loved. You are loved. 

Close your eyes and feel it.

Sincerely,
Your future self

NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY