Note to Self: Don’t Hold it In

October 29, 2005 (Age  14)

I hate disappointing people more than I hate disappointing myself.

And I really hate disappointing myself.

But fuck. Why can’t I be great or good in anyone’s eyes? It sounds conceited and stupid. And it is, but seriously. I’m always the one person everyone turns to when they feel like they need to crush someone or when no one else is around and they are desperate. I’m always the weak one. I’m always the stupid one. The foolish joker.

It’s my fault, I know. Why can’t I be myself? If there exists such a thing. Just sometimes it gets me…really bad. People always lie to me. I can feel it deep down. I can feel their sarcasm.

“Yeah, Nichole. Nooo one can stay mad at you.”

Yes…they can. And some people still do. Because I am bratty narcassistic and irritating. Well you know what world? Fuck you. This is my fucking journal. Fuck you God. This is my journal. Fuck you, “Nichole” this is OUR FUCKING JOURNAL. And yes, I hate myself enough to slander my pathetic narcissistic silly cliché thoughts onto this pathetic web page lost in cyberspace.

I have to before these thoughts eat me alive.

Because I beat them in so much…so fucking much. No one can know..

This is difficult. So..fucking. Difficult.

I want to cry right now.
But I wont…not this time.
I am strong.
I am strong.

I am…..

 

 March 23, 2011 (Age 20)

Dear former self,

I know.

I know you hate disappointing yourself. You’ll end up letting yourself down approximately 832 times between where you are now and where I am now. Still counting. Still stumbling over my feet. Still trying.

If there is one thing I have learned about the nature of people, it is that they will take advantage of your need to please them. Being a perfectionist to prove your self worth to someone else puts that person in a position of power and makes you vulnerable. Trying to prove yourself worth will make you vulnerable, period.

There will always be someone who thinks you’re a moron. There will always be someone who thinks you’re ugly. There will always be someone there to criticize you. The trick is to believe so much in what you do and who you are that it doesn’t matter. Take the criticism as either something to learn from or something to forget.

Insecurity is a choice.

It may not feel that way, but that’s because you’ve so tightly entangled your self identity and what other people think. Even now, I am trying to untangle the mess. This struggle is important though, and I believe, with all of me, that we will emerge on the other side of this struggle as a stronger person with something to offer others.

Expression is one of the most important things in growing and to try to suppress it is like trying to hold your breath. I think we both know from experience that it’s hard to do that for long.

Sincerely,

Your future self

NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY