Letters to Myself

Note to Self: Stop Hiding Who You Are

Note to reader: Around this time I was diagnosed with Grave’s disease which is an auto immune disorder primarily affecting the thyroid. My mood swings, psychotic breaks, and low self-esteem were blamed on my condition, but I continued to have manic episodes even after treatment.

November 15, 2005 (Age 14)

I dont know I guess I keep getting this sinking feeling a lot. I’m getting really restless and it’s driving me mad. My stomach is a mess. I can’t stop eating and then some days I can’t eat at all. My mind is constantly shutting off. I’m forgetting a lot of stuff. I have noticed that some days I can’t talk or I just can’t bring myself to say anything at all. It’s so intimidating, everything. I just kind of walk through life doing nothing all day. Being nothing. Every one thinks I’m stupid and silly, but I don’t think they realize how hollow my laughs are or how every dull joke comes from being so desperate to find some sort of sanity or normalcy. Yeah, I’m pretty normal but sometimes these feelings aren’t. I just hate being so..empty every time I start to feel happy, it’s like I am ashamed of letting my guard down and become so..isolated.

I can’t talk to my friends anymore. I’ve just come to the conclusion that we shouldn’t see each other anymore. They’re all a bit too naive for my taste nowadays and having any kind of friend makes me sad in some way. It doesn’t fucking help that mother is always telling me that if I am hearing things or having odd “moments” that it’s all because of my thyroid problem. Yeah it probably is but thinking about it, makes me angry. Everything I’ve ever felt was fake and was all just because of a fucking defect in my thyroid gland? What a bunch of bullshit.

Ugh. Anyway. I’ve wasted about a month looming around. I can’t be bothered to pay attention to hygiene or friends’ affairs. The internet is even dull to me, now. I can’t sit down and do my work without feeling tired or antsy or anxious. Fuck. I need to get out of here. Now.

Fuck that. I might as well just run away for a few weeks. Might ruin my mother’s trust in me or respect, but I’m on the verge of insanity. Or maybe I’m already there I don’t know. Don’t give a shit.

Maybe I’m just making shit up and do all this to feel better because maybe being dramatic is appealing. I don’t know what insanity is or normality for that matter. I know that maybe I make stuff up in my head to compensate for not being different or. Something. Shit.

Holidays soon. Im expecting a let-down. Usually there is always a catch to most family plans. Joy.

A 2 week break with the people I loathe most. Im excited already.

April 13, 2011 (Age 20)

Dear Self,

It’s always hard when you start growing up and realizing that your family isn’t as perfect or as functional as you thought. They don’t always have the right answers and they can’t hold your hand forever. It is especially hard when you are struggling with a sickness (and in my case, several sicknesses) because there is a separation between what they see on the outside and how it feels on the inside. I didn’t communicate the full extent of my pain because I wore it like a badge of honor. I felt that pain justified my existence and made up for all of the things I couldn’t be.

Sadness is powerful and contagious, and if left to fester, consuming.

Don’t wait for it to wrap it’s cold fingers around your neck. Don’t sit still. It only gets sharper.

Moving on to family, I know they may not understand what you’re going through (or maybe it feels that way), but it does not mean they don’t notice/don’t care. If they  ignore you, joke about you, or confront you, it just means that they’re trying to cope because they don’t know how to help you (or they’re assholes). They’re just as confused as you are. And don’t be fooled- they’re hurting, too. You may not understand this because you’re young, but people care about you more than you will ever know and by hurting yourself, you’re hurting them.

Second of all, don’t diss your friends. They are the foundation of everyone’s self-identity. Friends help you piece together the things you like, teach you new things, and test you to your limits. Even the crappy friends teach you lessons. When I think about some of the most exciting moments of my life, they were with a strong group of friends doing profoundly stupid yet epic things.

If you’re struggling with making friends, then the likely problems are:

a.)      You’re not reaching out or opening up enough

b.)     You’re clinging too tightly to everyone that enters your life and creeping them out by being TOO open

c.)      Your expectations are either too high or too low

Just breathe. You’re worth talking to, you just need to stop running around in circles worrying about how much of a jackass you look like when you run around in circles.

I think a lot of people (including myself) make the mistake of pretending to be happy so that others don’t worry about them. When you do that, you put others in control of how you express yourself and make yourself even more miserable by making those feelings secondary. “Normal” is in the same category of “perfect”- it’s a socially constructed illusion. Nothing and no one is more important than figuring out how to cope with your feelings in a positive way. Nothing. No one.

The more you push aside your feelings underneath your fake smile, the more the pressure builds, and the closer and closer you get to unhappiness. The closer you get to unhappiness, the easier it is to grow apathetic or manic or anxious or defensive or empty or lonely or fat or unwanted or etc.

Open up and spill your heart out.

Then sort through the mess. You’ll learn a lot. I promise.

Sincerely,

Your future self