Letters to Myself

Note to Self: Loneliness is Actually a Good Thing

December 30, 2005 (Age 15)

I am all alone here. By myself. I cant stop it and I cant reverse what I have done. Things will never be the same, ever again. I dont want them to be. Its sick. Its all so fucking sick. Im tired of pretending to be someone else just to avoid who I really am. Theres no escaping my identity. Theres no escaping this…fucking world. I hate it.

I hate being the same. I hate seeing it and Im so fucking sick of feeling like everything is being replayed to me already. I see the same patterns in everything. Colors are all the same. Everything is so dull and lifeless.

I want to leave. I want to become someone else.

Someone beautiful. Smart. Strong. Independant. Unhuman. Brutal. Cold. Unwilling. Powerful.

I dont want to be me anymore. Its so hard. So hard to be weak and alone.

Im weak and vulnerable and its not going to change because Im so selfish I dont want to. Now Im all alone. Im trapped here.

Alone. I cant get away. I cant rationalize thoughts because… there are none. There is no feeling, and there are no memories. I was created to become another Faceless person in the crowd. Nothing more. Now I cant face living with myself for being one. Should I just throw it all away? Just for the sake of clarity?

Its so scary, Butterfly. I dont know what to do.

I have no one to confide in. Theyre all gone. Even God dosent want to listen anymore. I dont want to hear the truth. I am nothing and no one. I wish I wasnt, but I am.

What now? Do I run away from it? Do I face it and break myself from within? Can I fix it?

Is there a real form to my identity or is it all just bits and pieces constructed together by everyone else?

That’s it…Im deleting myself and making someone new. Someone strong and thin and brave and needless.

April 20, 2011 (Age 20)

Dear Self,

If there was ever a feeling that united humanity on a common thread, it is the feeling of loneliness and/or fear of being lonely. Think of religion, the internet, social technology, and the space program; the unifying motivation is to feel not-so-alone or to prove that we are not really alone/ that there is something out there to justify our existence.

So why does that matter? Because you will never escape loneliness- it is a part of our human make-up. Loneliness  inspires the pursuit of love, happiness, and creation to bridge the gap between your isolated thoughts and what exists outside of them. It is an important component in our emotional make-up. On a more philosophical level, loneliness breeds creation. Pause and let that sink in a little bit.

If you feel you need someone or something to make you feel less alone, you make yourself dependent on that person/thing. Since most situations in life are not static, you put yourself in a position to be hurt by pursuing happiness or completion from an external source.

No one will ever complete you. It can feel that way, sure, but if/when they leave your life, who will you be then?

On another note, you’re afraid of being the same. Being ordinary is being part of a group of people alike in mentality and action; being extraordinary is putting yourself in a position to pursue something no one has before by yourself. Subsequently speaking, if you want to stand out and be unique and grow vibrantly, get comfortable with being alone. You’ll get criticized a lot before you ever get praised, so the only person you have to believe in is you.

If you can’t believe in yourself, who else can you believe in?

As for confiding in others, you don’t need anything but a journal. So thanks, self, for being smart and honest with yourself in this diary. Get your feelings and thoughts out of your head and into the air or onto the paper or into a song. Get them out of you because holding them in just makes you feel even lonelier. Face it, some people won’t care about you, so don’t rely on others to tell you if you’re beautiful/thin/smart/awesome. Evaluate that for yourself and know that you won’t ever be perfect. Ever.

You are someone. I am someone. You are an artist, a writer, a singer, a daughter, a friend, a prolific sarcastic bitch to your friends, a lover of morbid yet cute things, and, most importantly, you ARE. You exist and you are unique. No one can ever or will ever be you. They can share your thoughts, your actions, your similar experience, your interests, but they will never see life through your eyes or your fingers or your words. You are your own person.

What now? Embrace it.

 Do you run away from your identity? No…mostly because you can’t. You can’t change the things you’ve done, only the things you do or will do. Focus on those instead.

Do you face it and try to battle it? Yes and no. Face your problems but don’t try to break yourself down and dissolve your feelings/who you are. It won’t work and your feelings will find a way to bubble to the surface.  Can you fix it? You can fix the way you feel about yourself, yes. It takes a lot of honesty and identifying as many attributes as flaws that you have.

As far as personal identity goes, there are so many philosophies trying to define and redefine what constitutes “self” and “identity”. As a philosophical problem, there isn’t any clear definition of who you are or who you can be which means the possibilities are endless. You can be anything you want. Conceptually, you are a sum of your experiences and the interests and meaning you have assigned to various aspects of your life. You pick up pieces along the way, but your identity is like a quilt.

Pick the scraps up that interest you or make you think or that talk to you. Leave the expectations aside, there is no “true identity”, there is only change and adaptation. Love it.

Love your aloneness— you’re living on a planet with 6 billion people all around you feeling the same thing.

Sincerely,

You + 6 years

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