Letters to Myself

Note to Self: This, too, Shall Pass

February 18, 2006 (Age 15)

I feel like the world is slowly collapsing around me.

 I want so badly to embrace death without fearing it. I am so afraid because i feel it is not my time to go. But I want to badly to leave this place.

I am told every day that everything is all chemical and there is nothing real about all of this…it hurts when they say that. I know it is the truth deep inside. Vanity is the only thing I feel now. Vanity and hatred. The void grows. It hurts more everyday. Looking back, I abandoned any form of happiness and every outlet I have used no longer means anything anymore. I wish to cry but I’m afraid that tears will turn into questions.

I don’t need anymore of those.

Sometimes being alone hurts so much that reaching out seems like the only option. It’s funny how no one ever cares. I don’t want them to. Why do I love pain and hate it all at the same time?

Its so confusing. Growing. Changing. My body changes, but never who I am on the inside. I am always the same no body.

Words are worthless. I can’t use them like I used to. I wish I could help…but I can’t even help myself.

 Why the fuck even try?

April 25, 2011 (Age 20)

Dear Self,

“What do you do with pain so bad it has no redeeming value? It cannot even be alchemized into art, into words, into something you can chalk up to an interesting experience because the pain itself, its intensity, is so great that there is no way to objectify it or push it outside or find its beauty within. That is the pain I’m feeling now. It’s so bad, it’s useless. The only lesson I will ever derive from this pain is how bad pain can be.” -Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

The incredible and terrifying thing about sadness is that it gives itself meaning so that it doesn’t seem agonizing to imagine that it is just a chemical imbalance in your brain. The idea that intolerable sadness is meaningless can be insulting and in frustration, you may begin to defend it like an abusive lover- always coming back for more because even though it hurts, it’s always there.

It’s so easy to make decisions out of fear because it’s easier to justify them; they’re more actionable. “You HAD to do it or else _______”. Sometimes suicide seems like a viable option because it’s an easy, permanent solution, but it’s a solution to a transient problem that you’re too afraid to solve on your own. Suicide is like deciding to amputate your arm after you get a few scratches- it doesn’t consider any alternative options or logical solutions. The problem is that making decisions out of fear or apathy isn’t really a decision- it’s a reaction.

Like a bad lover, takes a lot of courage to walk away from depression because it’s like leaving a safety net. You convince yourself that being grounded in sadness is the best way to combat the feeling of failure and heart break and it’s better to not try and embarrass yourself. When someone says they can’t be happy, they’re making excuses to not try.

Being happy/stable isn’t an effortless state reserved for privileged people. It takes constant work to stay happy- you have to think of as many attributes as flaws— and sometimes it’s hard. You have to exercise. You have to be honest with yourself. You have to try every day because despite popular belief, it’s hard work to maintain happiness or feelings of accomplishment.

One common misconception about happiness is that some feel that they don’t deserve to be happy. If there is one thing I don’t understand about our society, it’s the philosophy that being selfish is condemnable. If you put your priorities and beliefs below someone elses, you’re just distracting yourself by buying time so you don’t have to deal with them. The problem with being “selfless” is just that- removing your SELF from the situation. It’s a reaction out of fear- fear of dealing with your problems, fear of appearing selfish, fear of not appearing as “perfect” or “happy” as everyone expects you to be, fear of not always being there for everyone else. When you rely on helping others before helping yourself, you’ll never be happy because even though it seems like you’re changing the circumstances for others- you’re not really changing yourself. If you want to be there to help your friends, fix yourself first so you’re not lying to both yourself and them. Make sure that you’re not helping other people for the wrong reasons.

Another misconception is that you’ll be happy when you’re thinner, you’re richer, you move away, you fall in love, etc. When you’re waiting on something to change or to magically attain a material goal, you’ll never get there. You’re not going to be happy when you “get thinner” or “make more money” or “find someone to love you” because the problem has nothing to do with those things. Even if you lose 10, 20, 50 pounds, you’re not going to be happy because you’re not happy with who you are. You won’t be happy once you get into a relationship because you’ll be so insecure with yourself, you’ll be too afraid to lose the other person. The way to reach goals like that is to ask yourself WHY you need those things to be happy and imagine yourself with them. Stop idealizing those situations because nothing will ever be as magical as you will envision it to be. Again, happiness is hard work and those goals take just as much work.

It’s a hard idea to swallow, but being self-involved (or at least introspective) leads to self-security which leads to a happier state which motivates one to be honest in their generosity. Improving the relationship with yourself is the most important thing you can do in life, because it clears away all of the baggage and self-inflicted pain to make way for things that matter like creating, producing, brushing off jerks, and solving problems.

You will always hear that life is a perpetual rollercoaster of emotions— and it’s true. The only way to appreciate happiness, stability, and love, is to be profoundly grateful for every minor miracle that comes along: things that aren’t so obvious like shelter, food, a smile in passing, rain that breaks up the heat of summer. Happiness isn’t a mythological place and there is no standard it adheres to. Everything changes including how you feel about yourself. Just focus on the things you want to accomplish and remember that this, too, shall pass.

Sincerely,

You

Posted 1 year ago — 3 notes