Note to self: Don’t Pretend to be Happy. Ever.

March 14, 2006 (Age 15)

Im feeling so very restless lately and everything is another fake smile and another little laugh here and there. They’re all pretty fooled. Who knew I was such a manipulative bitch. The anxiety attacks have subsided or whatever the fuck they are. I had one a few days ago but it was so minor. All I did was hit myself a few times and cry hysterically.

I fear this change a lot, because I know that it isnt going to stay this way and if it does, I’ll simply die within myself. Im becoming more irrational and it is becoming common that I phase in and out of reality, but thank god Im not seeing shit or even hearing much anymore. Theres still some surrealism to all of this. I know everything is so fake. Through this mask everything inside is dying and it is so fucking hard to concentrate. Im fucking up in home school so much but I cant be transferred back into a school again, I just can’t. I swear to god I will run away.

It’s humiliating being in pain like this. Why the fuck did everyone make it such a trend? I don’t even know what parts of me are real anymore. It all feels like I was inspired by medial resources and stereotypical teen angst. It’s like everyone can see through the darkness, but I cant. I just hear the chatter and the noise and feel the chaos everywhere but I can’t cry or scream or anything. It hurts a lot. I want so much for someone to talk to and for someone to understand me, but Im beginning to feel that they’ll leave me in the end. I cant tell [my friends] anything. I [try to be a great friend], I really do and I like helping people because I know that if I was in their position I would want someone to talk to and someone to marvel at the things that no one else does. [My friends] use me so much- I feel like some kind of novelty item. No one listens to me, but why he fuck should they? I have nothing to fucking say. Ive accomplished nothing in my shitty existence. I cant even pass a fucking self test without cheating.

 

May 24, 2011 (Age 20)

Dear Self

What’s with all of these faces you put on? You’re always trying to make everyone think you’re happy or smart or independent or strong. You act as if the world will step on you if you don’t let it see you cry or, for once, say “no, I’m not okay”. You’re not okay.

All of the “I’m fine”s and “Don’t worry about me”s don’t go away; they build up. Eventually the pressure becomes so great that we can no longer hold it in and it gushes out in ugly, manic spurts. The person you try to hold on to when you were lying to everyone else becomes warped and unrecognizable.

Here lie the seeds of self-loathing. This is the beginning of a vicious cycle. 

I believe there are circumstances in which a group of people may expect you to be the “strong one” or the “happy one” and it’s not because they want to control you, it’s because they need you to be that person in order for them to identify themselves in your life.

We expect each other to be like characters in a tv show, playing archetypal roles consistently from week to week. Predictable. Safe. Comforting. It’s all a little too confronting when people change. It means that they might have to change, too. 

That doesn’t justify their actions and it doesn’t mean that it’s not okay to change. It only explains why people react the way that they do- they’re just afraid. But its not your job to keep people unafraid, only they can do that for themselves.

It’s okay to not be okay - just be sure to reinvent yourself in the process. Re-write your character. Re-adjust the circumstances and set new rules. People will eventually accept it and move on so let go of their expectations and just… be.

When it comes to sadness,  separate it from your identity and treat it as a visitor. Get to know him well, but get to know yourself better. Be more clever than your guest and memorize his routines so you can find balance. Make time for him and respect him- listen to what he has to say but keep your objectivity. Exercise, meditate, and, most importantly, let go of the idea that it’s stupid to be depressed.

You’re never going to be the person you pretend to be for anyone else. Stop hating yourself, already.

Sincerely,

Future you

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NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY